Yes, alright, it’s not that stupendous. But a week today - April 15th - will mark the official UK paperback publication of the new novel, BAD THINGS.

In a giddy celebration of that fact, at 12:00 GMT on that day I’d like to pick three Twitter followers at random, with the aim of sending them a copy of the book - inscribed either to the winner, or to the person or pet of their choice. Or just signed.

If you’re already following, you don’t have to do anything at all. Relax. Though you could spread the word to anyone else you think might be interested. If you’re not following, you’d need to start following.

This isn’t an evil ruse to garner vast swathes of new followers, by the way: now we’re into the Invasion Of The Pointless (and yes, Peaches ****ing Geldoff, I specifically mean you, amongst others) the Twitter numbers game is history anyway. If you enjoy inhabiting the same intersect as me in the vast Venn diagram of tweets, floating down the same whispering river of disembodied voices, great. If you don’t, you can always unfollow me again. This is simply the easiest way I can think of to pick people and get hold of them afterwards.

Okay? Good. I’m glad we had this little chat.

RULES 1. No purchase necessary. No alternative offered, cash or otherwise. You cannot swop it for the special edition of ONLY FORWARD written in blood, on ice. Which actually does exist. 2. You don’t want the book, that’s fine - let me know and I’ll pick someone else. And then go shoot myself. 3. Um, do I need any more rules? Maybe. 4. Always look before you leap. 5. If you’ve been out at a pub in the city all evening and see a cab passing at the end of the road, don’t assume that proves there’s lots of cabs around. It means you’ve just seen the last cab, ever. So run like hell and get it. 6. Do not use the phrase ‘hard-earned cash’ in relation to outlays of 59 pence/one dollar in the iPhone app store, especially in tones of self-righteous indignation. Never type the phrase ‘Nuff sed’, either, in a review of anything, ever. In fact, if you’re considering using either of these crapsacks of letters, turn the computer off, take off all your clothes and go running off into the woods. You’ll be happier there. 7. Always get your tube/train/subway/bus/airline ticket out before you’re confronted with the barrier. Don’t stand around like a moron patting all of your pockets as if the need for a ticket has caught you entirely unawares. 8. Other people’s desserts always taste nicer. Probably because you don’t have to eat the whole damned thing. 9. A stitch in time doesn’t save nine. Stitches have got nothing to do with nines. What the hell are you talking about? 10 The best sets of rules stop at #10 11. Oh, nuts.